What your exhaustion is really trying to tell you

Ever been so tired that sleep just can’t make you feel better? 

Years ago, I used to believe that there was such a thing as being too tired to sleep. I’d come in after a long day teaching in my classroom (my career before I became a wellbeing coach) and slump down on the sofa, ready for sleep to overtake me. But that refreshed feeling was never there when I woke up. 

I promised myself that I’d start taking it easy at the weekends and do relaxing things. Yet, even when I had a chilled-out day, that background exhaustion was still there. How the heck could just doing nothing make me feel so tired?! The answer is exhaustion is a symptom of something bigger like stress or anxiety. It’s a messenger from my body that I wish I’d listened to much earlier rather than dismissing it as something that just caused frustration. 

If you feel like you’re doing everything right but still feeling exhausted, you’re not alone. But let’s reframe it and explore what your exhaustion might be trying to tell you rather than trying to eliminate it. Because until you understand why you feel the way you do, you can’t start feeling better. 

What is exhaustion? 

Let’s start with the basic definition of exhaustion.  It’s not just tiredness on steroids. It’s an intense feeling of weariness that won’t go away, even with rest. But it isn’t just one-dimensional. It can manifest itself as feeling like your brain has been stuffed full of cotton wool or even make you feel like your legs are too heavy to move. 

How your exhaustion manifests itself is the first important message that you should listen to. It tells you why you might be feeling the way you’re feeling and gives you a rough idea of the type of exhaustion you’re feeling. 

Before we dive into exploring the types of exhaustion, I want to pause and remind you that this isn’t an exact science. You can’t go to your GP and ask for a blood test to diagnose your type of exhaustion. That’s why it’s important to sit with your feelings rather than just pushing through.  Reflect on them to explore which type of exhaustion seems to resonate with you most, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel. 

The four main types of exhaustion are: 

• Physical exhaustion: Reduced physical capability from overexertion or chronic lack of sleep. 

• Emotional exhaustion: Feeling drained, worn out and overwhelmed because of chronic stress that has gone unmanaged. 

• Mental exhaustion: Feeling burnt out and as though you can’t concentrate on anything because of prolonged stress (or, as I tend to find, overworking.) 

• Values-based exhaustion: Feeling overwhelmed by a fundamental conflict between your core values and your actions, especially in the workplace. 

Exploring the types of exhaustion isn’t a one-and-done exercise. It’s very common to have a mixture of the different types and this can evolve over time. That’s why I’d recommend revisiting the types every time you acknowledge you feel exhausted. This acknowledgement isn’t about self-blame; it's about understanding. 

Exhaustion as an emotional signal 

Now you’ve got to grips with the types of exhaustion, let’s begin answering the question: ‘what is my exhaustion telling me?’  

Rather than looking for specific meanings, I prefer to look at what it’s trying to say in terms of signals. After all, it’s not going to jump up and articulate in a nice, clear sentence exactly why you feel the way you feel and how to fix it, but it can act as a guide. 

The first signal to explore is an emotional signal. Sometimes, exhaustion can be a result of unprocessed emotions like grief or frustration. I think as a society we still hold onto that stiff upper-lip mentality we’ve tried to convince ourselves we’ve dropped. It’s more socially acceptable to just put up with your emotions rather than express them. But what that means is that we’re not able to express our needs. And when we can’t express our needs, they can’t be met. This leads to those unexplained outbursts of irritability and those sudden feelings of resentment that you instantly feel guilty about. 

Suppressed emotions are often at the heart of exhaustion and need to be processed before you can start to feel any different. 

How to respond to this signal: Reflective journalling or even simply naming your emotions out loud can help you release the energy that was pent up in the suppression and support the beginning of the processing journey.  

Already tried that? If you're a woman, you'll understand how closely your monthly cycle is tied to your wellbeing. Start taking note of your symptoms of exhaustion in a period tracking app or journal. If you start to notice a pattern in your exhaustion that ties in with your cycle - maybe you feel most exhausted between certain days in your cycle - and that pattern sustains over a few months, then it's worth visiting your GP to discuss further tests and treatment. 

Exhaustion as a values signal 

If you don’t feel that the idea of exhaustion as an emotional signal speaks to you (pardon the pun!) then it’s worth exploring the possibility that it’s a values signal. 

It’s fair to say that the meaning of ‘values’ has been changed in recent years thanks to political rhetoric. The kind of values I’m talking about don’t relate to the issues the politicians are talking about. My kind of values are the values that make you who you are. You might value a work-life balance and still have a strong work ethic. Or you might value your own space but still enjoy company. Values are messy and sometimes feel contradictory but they’re the essence of what it means to be you. 

When you have to consistently spend time and energy on something that is misaligned with your values, it can often lead to feelings of exhaustion. I like to think of it as ‘values fatigue’ because you are draining so much energy trying to address the misalignment that you don’t have the resources to focus on anything else.  

It’s common for exhaustion to be a values-based signal when you are questioning whether something in your life is right for you as the person you’ve grown to be. Values aren’t static and they can change. This means that a job or a relationship was right for you at the time it started but maybe isn’t right for you now. 

Misalignment is something that is overlooked and often feared, but it’s not a permanent state. You have the power to begin to re-align your values with the life you want to lead. 

How to respond to this signal: Sit down with a pen and notebook and revisit your values. Create eight bullet points that sum up your values, then ask yourself the question ‘is how I’m spending my time a reflection of what matters to me most?’ If the overall answer is no, then you’ve just identified a misalignment that may be behind your exhaustion. 

Already tried that? It might be time to start researching ADHD. Using a reputable Adult ADHD Screener like this one from ADHD UK is a good starting point. Whilst it can’t be used to provide a diagnosis, it can give a good indicator as to whether you have ADHD and provides you with resources to get an insight into ADHD traits. It may help you identify people-pleasing traits and help you understand how these can lead to values misalignment. Understanding ADHD and coming up with an effective plan to manage it – whether that includes medication or not – can be transformational. 

Exhaustion as a boundary signal 

If you can’t identify any emotional or values signals from your exhaustion (or even if you can!) it’s worth considering whether your exhaustion may be signalling that your boundaries have gone slightly haywire. 

I think we’re all guilty of letting people overstep those invisible lines that set out what we’re comfortable doing and protect our dignity. But boundaries are not there to be pushed by other people and constantly allowing people to disrespect them can be exhausting (if you’d like to learn more about what boundaries are and why they matter, check out another of my blog posts What are boundaries and why do they matter?. 

When I work with clients on identifying boundaries, one common theme crops up again and again: saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’. By taking on too much when you’re not in the right headspace or simply don’t have the time, you’re priming yourself for exhaustion without even realising it. 

Your brain and body can only take on so much before they decide that enough is enough and exhaustion can often be the way they signal this to you. 

What you’re usually told to do: Start analysing your energy patterns. Pay particular attention to times when you feel a little more energised and times when you feel completely drained and take a note of what you were doing at the time. If a pattern starts to emerge that suggests you might be spreading yourself a little too thin, then you’ve identified one of the root causes of your exhaustion. Although it might not necessarily help you say no, it provides you with the evidence you need to start putting a plan into motion to support you cope with your exhaustion. 

Already tried that? Given that your emotions have remained unprocessed for long enough to have taken a toll on you, it’s worth considering some coaching sessions to explore how you can maintain meaningful boundaries to prevent a similar situation happening in the future. Please remember that expressing emotions is a natural part of life, not a sign of weakness. 

An important note 

So, there you have it! There are so many causes and reasons behind exhaustion but it’s not your enemy – it’s a messenger telling you to take care of yourself. And that leads me nicely on to my final, very important point: 

Advocate for yourself. You know your body better than anyone and if you feel something isn’t right, you deserve to be listened to. 

I’m not a medical professional (and neither are Google or ChatGPT if you found me through them) so whilst I can offer you advice, I can’t diagnose any underlying health condition that may be contributing to your exhaustion. But what I can say is this: I’ve been in your shoes and I understand how depleting the process of getting a plan to manage exhaustion can be. Keep persevering, even when you feel lost – the end result can be transformational. 

If you’d like some support in understanding your values or identifying your boundaries, book a free, no-obligation consultation with me. 

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