What are boundaries and why do they matter?

Image Courtesy of Bestlife.com

Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and others to define the behaviour we find acceptable and the behaviours we don’t. Whilst the phrase ‘push the boundaries’ might be on trend in reality TV right now, setting your boundaries and letting other people know when they’ve overstepped is key to protecting your wellbeing, maintaining healthy relationships and making sure your needs are met.

But how can you go about identifying boundaries you can stick to that reflect what you need and how can you communicate when they’ve been disrespected? Let’s dive in.

Personal and professional boundaries

The first thing to note about boundaries is that they are uniquely personal. What your friend might find acceptable behaviour in a certain situation might differ from what you find acceptable in that situation – and that’s ok. Neither person is right or wrong in their definition of the behaviour they find acceptable. What matters is that you respect each other’s boundaries without judgement.

Remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It’s not about controlling other people or manipulating a situation; it's about staying true to your values, safeguarding your wellbeing and preserving your dignity.

Boundaries could – and should – exist in both your personal and professional life. People often fear that saying ‘no’ might lead to conflict with their colleagues or misunderstanding with loved ones. In the moment it feels easier to say ‘yes’ to avoid any fall out. But if you constantly allow your boundaries to be overstepped, you end up feeling emotionally drained and disrespected. And if you feel like that, you can’t bring the best version of yourself to any task in your personal or professional life.

Identify your boundaries

The first step towards setting boundaries you can stick to is to reflect on situations where you’ve felt uncomfortable, burned out, or resentful. It might help to note them down somewhere with some reflections on how it made you feel. For example:

Today, my boss asked me to work at the weekend when weekends are not in my contract and I’d already told him I had plans with my family. He asked me in front of my colleagues in the office and said that the project we were working on had fallen behind because of a delay with suppliers. He was apologetic and said he would pay me overtime but I still felt pressure to say yes because I felt like I would be letting my colleagues and the company down if I said no.

From this reflection, it’s clear that the person was made to feel uncomfortable and panicked in the situation and feared the repercussions of saying no. Whilst their boss was probably stressed about the project falling behind and had simply forgotten about the person’s weekend plans, it left them feeling undervalued and pressurised. If they’re feeling like this, they’re very unlikely to feel able to give their all to the work they’ve agreed to do over the weekend.

This is where a boundary such as ‘I will not work outside of contracted hours if it encroaches on my family time’ might be put in place. The person doesn’t need to (and probably shouldn’t!) inform their boss that this situation has caused them to set a new boundary but they can feel satisfied that they’ll deal with a similar situation in a way that protects their emotional wellbeing in the future.

Boundary setting is an ongoing process rather than a one-and-done exercise. Life has a habit of throwing new situations our way and sometimes our priorities can change too.

Communicate your boundaries

Now that you’ve identified your boundaries, you’re ready to put them into practice. The key to sticking to your boundaries is clear and calm communication.

Imagine you’ve had a conversation with your family about completing designated chores to help look after the house and make sure that the responsibility for all the housework doesn’t fall solely on your shoulders. Everyone agreed that a chores list for each day of the week would be a good solution.

You’ve effectively communicated your boundary: ‘Housework shouldn’t just be down to me because it leaves me feeling stressed, frustrated, and unsupported’ and come up with the chores list as a way of helping your family respect your boundary.

Everything seems to be going well, but a few weeks in you notice that some assigned chores are being left incomplete by one person. Now’s the time to communicate and remind them of your boundary.

Instead of approaching the conversation with a confrontational tone that reflects the frustration you’re feeling, gently but firmly remind the person of your boundary and the responsibilities they’ve taken on to support you.

As tempting as it may be to stick to flyaway comments about the practicalities of the chores – ‘I noticed you didn’t load the dishwasher after dinner on Wednesday like you were assigned’ – the communication is clearer if you remind them of your boundary. Something like ‘We introduced the chores list because I was feeling overwhelmed by housework. I need you to stick to it to support us all in looking after the house.’ would be more effective.

Stick to your boundaries

Image courtesy of Andrea Piacquadio via Pexels

Sometimes it can be tough to stick to your own boundaries, especially if you start to feel pressure from other people. Here are a few general tips to help you maintain healthy boundaries:

·       Steer clear of exceptions – if you allow one person to overstep your boundaries (even if you feel you’re doing it for a valid reason), it becomes harder for you to justify enforcing that boundary to yourself and others in the future.

·       Take your time – if you feel like you’ve been asked to do something that violates your boundaries, don’t make a snap ‘yes’ or ‘no’ decision in the moment. Ask for more time to make the decision and reflect on why it violates your boundaries and how you want to communicate it.

·       Use ‘I’ communication – Own your boundaries and remind people that you’ve set them to meet your needs. Tell them exactly how you need your needs met, e.g. I need to step away so that I can think more objectively about this.

·       Seek support – don’t feel you have to do it on your own. A coach like me can lend a professional listening ear and provide you with the practical tools you need to navigate your boundary setting journey.

I know that setting boundaries and sticking to them can feel like a daunting task but it’s also a vital one. Clear boundaries help you to maintain healthy relationships with those around you (and yourself, too) and help you live life as your authentic self.

If you’d like to find out how I can support you in setting boundaries, book a free, no-obligation consultation today.

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