5 signs you’re a people-pleaser + coaching strategies

5 signs that you’re a people-pleaser (and what to do about it)

There’s no better feeling in life than pleasing someone else. It gives you a feeling of satisfaction (and maybe even that elusive ‘warm glow’ everyone talks about!)

But life shouldn’t revolve around pleasing other people to the detriment of your own wellbeing. What starts out as a well-intentioned effort to make yourself feel useful or loved can quickly trap you in a never-ending cycle of doing what you’re told without considering the impact it might have on you.

What is people-pleasing?

People-pleasing isn’t a personality flaw; it’s a survival strategy. From a young age, we learn that keeping other people happy helps us feel accepted as part of something bigger, whether that be a family, a social group, or a wider community. We replicate this in all areas of our lives without reflecting on our own needs and considering our own wellbeing.

Here are five signs you might be a people-pleaser and some practical steps you can take to make sure you’re meeting your own needs, not just other people’s.

Saying ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’

You have a tendency to agree to something, even when you know you don’t have the time or energy.

That additional project you’ve been asked to take on at work? You’ll just work overtime.

The party that finishes at midnight when you have to be up at 5am the next morning? You’ll just drink more coffee to get you through the day.

Whilst it seems like a good strategy to help you gain the recognition and validation we crave as human beings, it can leave you feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and frustrated.

What you can do about it:

·       Start with the small things – make a conscious effort to start saying ‘no’ to small things like the cream on top of your takeaway hot chocolate that always gives you a moustache you could do without!

·       Take your time – don’t feel pressure to answer straight away. Give yourself time to reflect on whether agreeing to what you’re being asked is the right decision for you.

·       Reframe what saying no means to you – saying no is not necessarily a negative thing. When you say yes to everything, you can’t give the task the attention it deserves. Saying no allows you to focus on being more productive and makes sure your yeses are not just expected but respected.

Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions

When you see that someone else is upset or unhappy, you immediately feel like it’s your fault. You take responsibility for it by apologising even when you’ve done nothing wrong and go the extra mile to restore the harmony, even when it inconveniences you.

What you can do about it:

·       Remind yourself that their feelings are real and valid – but they’re not your responsibility to handle.

·       Allow the person to feel heard – recognise how they feel and reassure them without transferring the emotion on to yourself.

·       Set boundaries – understand how to spot when you’re becoming too invested in the situation and find a way to communicate it.

Avoiding conflict

The thought of becoming involved in a situation where there might be conflict is almost unbearable. You’re willing to alter your opinion to keep the peace, even if it’s not what you truly believe or think. You also prefer to keep quiet when something is bothering you just in case it causes a disagreement or discomfort for other people.

What you can do about it:

• Reframe conflict as communication – not all conflict is bad and having a healthy, respectful debate from time to time can help people understand how you’re feeling and maybe even provide you with alternative perspectives to reflect on.

• Remind yourself of the value you can bring to the conversation – the people around you have asked for your opinion for a reason. It’s usually because they trust your judgement or value your perspective on the topic rather than to simply cause conflict.

• Ask questions – tell people about the issue you’re experiencing and follow up with a question that creates a clear path towards a solution. For example, ‘I’m struggling with tight deadlines on my current project. How could we plan ahead better in the future?’

Looking for validation

You feel better and more secure about yourself and what you’ve done when someone gives you praise or compliments. If no one comments on what you’ve done, you feel like you’ve failed to deliver and are more likely to over-commit yourself until someone gives you the validation you need. This has nothing to do with vanity. As human beings, we’re hardwired to seek validation and approval to help create a sense of belonging.

What you can do about it:

·       Keep a self-love jar – write down one thing you appreciate about yourself on a small slip of paper each day and pop it in a jar. When you feel like you want to seek validation, look through the contents of the jar to remind yourself of your worth.

·       Focus on your inner dialogue – when you find yourself seeking reassurance, ask yourself what you need to hear from yourself, not other people.

·       Be yourself – remind yourself that you are worthy just as you are. Your worth doesn’t depend on the things you do or what other people think but on being your authentic self.

A self-love jar is a great way to find the validation you seek and boost your sense of self-worth (Image courtesy of Jolene Engelbrecht/Pexels)

 Feeling guilty for prioritising your own wellbeing

You always notice when someone looks like they need a break and will go out of your way to help make that happen, but you feel guilty when you take your own advice! You feel as though taking a break will cause other people stress and as a people-pleaser, you prefer to put their needs before your own.

What you can do about it:

·       Schedule breaks in advance – plan longer breaks in advance and communicate them with the people around you. If you share a calendar, pop your plans in there so that everyone can see you’ll be busy (and might hold you accountable if you try to cancel your break!)

·       Make small decisions that prioritise your happiness and wellbeing - rather than leaving the decisions up to everyone else, contribute at least one thing to the daily planning process. It might be buying your favourite side dish to serve with dinner or picking what to watch on Netflix in the evening.

·       Change how you think about self-care - Rather than being a selfish act, self-care is an essential act. Without it, you won’t be able to reach your full potential.

As a wellbeing coach, I’ve seen first-hand the freedom that comes with breaking the people-pleasing cycle. But it’s not an overnight fix. It requires consistent effort to recognise when your tendencies have started to creep in and take action to stop them in their tracks.

To book your free consultation now, you can call on 07961 571 432 or email to: hello@clairemcnulty.com .