How to build self-esteem: 3 things you need to know

Why self-esteem doesn't just 'arrive' – and what to do to build it

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Does this sound familiar? That moment where you walk into the bathroom for “a few minutes’ peace” during the working day or a girls’ night out but in reality, you’re popping in there to have a crisis of confidence in the privacy of a locked cubicle. Your inner dialogue is going ten to the dozen, overanalysing every little detail of your day:

“Why did I say that?!”

“I look silly in these shoes”

“I was getting funny looks”

And on and on it goes!

Even as a coach trained to understand self-esteem inside-out, back-to-front and standing on its head, I still take that dash to the bathroom every now and then! And coupled with my ADHD brain joining in the conversation to tell me I’m being too much, it’s just a bit exhausting.

Lots of women take it as a sign that there’s something “wrong” with them but dips in your self-esteem are a natural part of life.

The truth is that self-esteem doesn’t just arrive and it’s completely dependent on the situation. That’s why we all should work towards building our baseline of self-esteem to give us a chance to adapt so that we can feel confident even when we’re in unfamiliar territory or thing aren’t going quite to plan.

Here are three bite-sized insights to help you get started…

We can’t queue for self-esteem

As Brits, we love a queue and we seem to have carried this attitude forwards when it comes to self-esteem! We have this notion that if we wait our turn, we’ll get our chance to feel confident in ourselves. We unconsciously tell ourselves that it’s not our turn yet by telling ourselves that “My self-esteem will improve when…”

The trouble with this kind of thinking is that we’re always sat around waiting without anything ever happening. Self-esteem is something we learn and we can’t learn without at least some action taking place.

I’ve fallen into this trap on a fair few occasions because my brain wants to feel confident and reassured before I do something.

As a woman, there’s this strange set of unwritten rules we seem biologically hardwired to follow about what is “age appropriate”. Showing leg and enjoying a trip to the club? A 50-year-old woman should never do that! Says who? You won’t know how it feels for you unless you have the courage to try. You might love it or loathe it, but what matters is you’ve had the opportunity to experience something that is significant to you and have taught yourself that it’s OK to break the rules and still feel confident (or at the very least, you’ve built resilience which builds self-esteem.)

Building block of self-esteem: Play the “why” game. If you find yourself thinking “I can’t”, ask yourself why and keep going until you’ve peeled back all the layers to reveal the core of the matter. It might be anything from “society tells me I can’t” to “the last time I wore a dress like this, it got stuck in the door of the number 57 bus”. Write it down and ask “how can I think about this differently?”

Building self-esteem is like training a dog

I’ll bet that heading caught your attention! But it’s true. Like training a dog, our brains gain self-esteem through repeated action. Doing something big to build your self-esteem like doing a Calendar Girls tribute can be a wonderful, empowering experience but it can only be built if you keep doing little things to positively reinforce what you’ve built. Boxing it away and not working on your self-esteem afterwards is a bit like booking a 30-minute appointment with a dog trainer and expecting your dog to win the agility section of Crufts!

I think we’re all guilty of saying things like, “I’m so proud of myself that I wore that bikini on holiday” and promising we’ll do it again next year. But next year is soooo far away that by the time you get there, you’re back to square one having to coax yourself into putting that bikini back on. You’ve not taught your brain to embrace that feeling of freedom and confidence by reinforcing it through tiny, similar gestures. This is especially true for ADHD brains because if the gestures aren’t giving us dopamine, we can wave bye-bye to any motivation to do them!

Building block of self-esteem: Set your own scale. Not every gesture has to be grand or lavish but set yourself a target to do one thing every week that can build on the self-esteem lessons your brain has learned. Take the bikini example – a simple gesture might be giving your underwear drawer a spring clean so that you’re always wearing undies you feel confident and comfortable in.

Be aware of your OWN hormones

I’m not going to be one of those offensive, patronising dinosaurs that says “it’s just her hormones” when a woman gets upset or raises a valid issue that they don’t want to deal with. But equally, I’m not going to shy away from the fact hormones have an incredible influence on how we think and feel about ourselves – not how other people perceive us (I’ll just say that last bit louder for the people at the back!)

Of course, the perimenopause and menopause are significant influence, but so is your regular cycle. During your monthly cycle, your hormones fluctuate and there are some stages where you are more vulnerable to have feelings that chip away at your self-esteem.

For example, during the Luteal Phase (days 15 to 28), you’re more likely to have low mood which isn’t exactly conducive to building self-esteem. This is the same phase where Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder can also begin to influence your overall wellbeing. I’m not saying you should ignore your self-esteem during this time but just be aware that you won’t be feeling at your most confident or receptive at this stage of your cycle.

Building block of self-esteem: Download a free period tracking app and take a note of your mood each day to explore how your hormones might be influencing your self-esteem. If you notice a pattern, try and aim to do activities to boost your self-esteem on the days when your mood is at its most positive.

If you’d like to explore your self-esteem in more detail and understand how to build it for a more positive future, book a free, no-obligation consultation with me.

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